Soup Cursings

I've had emotions flaming through me as of late. Crazy,erratic emotions...not really pretty ones either.That's why this post is as raw as you can get--and probably full of grammatical errors-and void of pretty photos.That's where I am these days...void of pretty photos. But it's ok, because sometimes a season of Raw Realness infused with erratic emotional behavior is refreshing(though I'm sure my family would beg to differ) I feel my body is yelling for me to notice that's it's getting old and tired and needs some good blood pumping exercise to burst those amazing endorphines into my brain. I crave sleep.Love sleep. And never have really been a "sleeper". So,it's time to take notice..I've been downing Emergen-C like it's a great cocktail and making sure to take my vitamins and the many supplements that are falling out of the cabinet when I open it. I went and walked this morning, 2 miles, after the fellas left for school.And I thought I was gonna croak. I've really let it go  this summer...shamefully.But that crisp morning air burning my throat and lungs and making my head hurt a bit was a great way to start the day...um,yeah?I've been really ouchy with the Littles lately-and I don't like it.Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed with the needs of people so vulnerable...that sounds dumb after I've been a mama for 20 yrs,huh? Time has nuthin to do with it,folks...it's as staggering a responsibility now as ever.So,this evening I was really really wanting to make myself some great soup.I love soup and could eat it everyday-especially in the cold months. Anyhoo..I was online and could not find anything I was looking for.Imagine that--this vast expanse of information before us and I couldn't find one freaking soup recipe that sounded good to me.So I was mad. Like,really mad. And pelting the keyboard with each search with my mad fingers.and cursing. Now,I'm grinning thinking about it. Not laughing at myself...maybe tomorrow..but I do have a slight grin on my face.But with each 'black bean soup' and 'minestrone' and 'corn chowder' and 'crab bisque' that appeared on my screen..I was getting fired up...and muttering dammit and stupid effing recipe to myself. How ludicrous! You see, now I know it's because I didn't have the slightest clue what I even wanted, so the World's Most Prized Soup could've morphed out of thin air and landed on my computer desk,steaming hot and in beautiful stoneware...and I still would've been saying 'damn soup'. So Dan got home from work and I went to bed(at 6pm)..and it was wonderful. For 4 hours I slept, and was vaguely aware of the routine evening drama going on outside our bedroom door.He fed the boys, unloaded the dishwasher,reloaded the dishwasher,cleaned up the kitchen, got them ready for bed, put them to bed...while I was snoozing away. So, you see--it wasn't really SOUP I wanted, that was making me so peeved--it was SLEEP that I needed...no Cursing involved. Well...except for when I did finally get up, and tripped over the oscilating fan in our bedroom in the dark:)

No More Mr. Nice Guy..?

I've been searching faces. Pondering humanity-sounds deep...don't be fooled. I'm trying to not be so deep in scrutinizing everything. Yet, I find myself searching those faces everyday, and I think I'm searching for a lost art.... NICENESS. Where is it? Are you out there? Where have all the cowboys gone? Well,that was actually irrelevant, but I do like cowboys and they've always seemed nice.It's a simple concept. Someone smiles at you and you smile back. You let someone go ahead of you in line. You take the time to say hello in passing. Are we seriously so freaking busy in this society that we walk around like stone faced losers? I've witnessed a thread, a thin thread, of nice folks recently. I'm taking it as an encouragement instead of focusing on the thinness of that dang thread. That sweet old couple(fer real, we're talking mid 70's, easily) at the lake sharing their sandwiches and taking pictures of each other. Waving goodbye as we packed up to head home. Another great gal sharing her sunblock at the lake. Maybe it's only at the lake you find nice people,eh? Must be all the pee in the water that we're swimming in...I guess it alters personalities:) OR, maybe it's because in a setting where we're RELAXED and ENJOYING ourselves, it's just second nature to be nice. Kinda seems like we need to do that more often, just take a chill pill and then niceness will overtake the world! I'm tired of meanies.I'm determining every morning when I wake up to be nice.It seems much more practical than my other determinations- patient...productive....motivated. Those are all good too, but I just have to believe that if the smallest step for humanity meant kindness towards each other, so many other incredible qualities for everyday life would fall in place. You think..?

Easy does it..

I've been on slow-mode. Un-plugged. Taking slow rides(through the country). Eating slow food(Thank You, garden--your tomatoes make this veggie grin everyday) The Littles are in school, and for the first time,in a LONG time, I have a few hours everyday. Everyday, I'm saying it again. So I get my chores done in the morning, and then I. do. nothing. Reading, thrifting, eating, napping, enjoying the sun, spending fun time with my favorite guy. Love it.

Surf's Up

Frustrated. I'm frustrated because so many words and phrases and thoughts and questions are shooting through my mind everyday, and I don't stop to write them down. Frustrated because I don't want my Littles to start school, yet they are driving me crazy here. Frustrated because littlest Little is acting out in so many bizarre ways, and I don't know where we are to turn for answers(concerning him). We watched the Seinfeld episode last night where Elaine had a new trio of friends, the exact opposites of Jerry, Kramer and George. I thought of that today while I was watching S. raging about something as important as his stuffed dragon that he couldn't get to stay standing upright. The next minute may be him laughing hysterically,almost in nonsense. Bizarre-O World...yep, that's us. I'm frustrated because I miss my dad in such a tangible, painful, physical way--and I feel like I have nowhere to channel that pain. You can only be sad for so long. Sad is short-like it's word.Grief doesn't even last for long..which is good because it can be crippling. But the memories of someone gone--they keep coming, wave after wave after wave.Those glimpses with roots embedded so deep in your soul, that when one of the waves hits you..it's like a shock to your system. I can smell him everyday. I can feel his stubble on my face as if I was a little girl..as well as the day he left and I laid my face on his. I'm frustrated because as angry as I get at the pain, I don't want it to go away because I'm afraid the waves of memory will go with it. I'm frustrated because I feel alone in this place, even though people on all sides of me have experienced it as well.I'm frustrated because I find days when all I think of is searching every corner of the Earth for all that has been put there for us to find...yet knowing I will not be able to make that a reality.I'm frustrated because while I'm typing about grief and pain and instability and longing-I'm accutely aware of the fruit flies swarming around the dirty dinner dishes still on the table beside me. Bizarre-O World, I told ya.

That Dreaded Place

Here's what's been going on in my world...

'V' for vegetarian :)

They want to be married;)

Knotty Power

Ratty Mess !

She Drives Me Crazy...Like No One Else....

Today-was a seesaw. I have laughed, I have cried. I felt excited, I felt anguished. My girl and I had Power Struggle #1543. How can I love her so fiercely and wanna knock her head off at the same time? She has always been crazy independant since day One.She's chomping at the bit to be on her own(one more year)and I'm thinking, 'it's no picnic once you get there'...ya know?! It's funny to me, those things about her that drive me crazy,are the traits that are most like me! I guess it's so true we don't really see ourselves. I'm glad my guy is able to point these things out to me and make it so clear. She and I can be at each other's throats and it's one big emotional upheaval, but then he explains to me why I feel so frustrated...and why she is frustrated...simply because we are so freaking much alike. Like rubbing sticks together!

If you could see what I see..

post storm

                               

constant movement..

                                 

welcome home (view from back door)

Best buy of the day from the thrift outing-no joke. What do you call it-housedress?Duster?! Love it...

And the ink goes on......

Um....see?!

notre chambre `a coucher

grow,grow,grow..I wish you could smell this.Incredible!

                                                                                                 

Teenage Dirtbag trailer

With a Little Help from my Friends....

I've been thinking so much today about the dynamic of our friendships. Mainly between us gals(sorry,fellas). I watched an incredible indie film a few days ago, and it's intense-to say the least. Watch it, I'm jus' sayin. Anyway,much of the backbone of the film is the social differences between kids in high school, and how those social boundaries cripple everything. Think "Breakfast Club" only uber-intensified. Do we really come away from those mindsets as adults? I had my 20th high school reunion last fall, and that will do a number for putting right in your face what an ass you really were like growing up. I heard from far too many people,on hearing about the reunion, say 'people didn't even talk to me in school, why would I want to spend an evening with them now?' Yikes. and Blech. I have an incredible circle of friends. Some near and some very far. Some new friends, and some I've known since I was a little girl. But when you think about it, the ones closest to us are the ones the most like us. I think we call it compatibility. Like- minded. "having so much in common". But isn't it really because that makes us feel safe, ya know--better about ourselves?! Dan and I are very different, and I say to people that we balance each other, I'm the free spirit and he's grounded. I am emotionally bent, and he is practical. But when I think of the instances that I am upset with him--it's because of those differences. It erks me when he doesn't feel the same way I do! The nerve of him! I don't want to play 8th grade games when I'm going on 40. I don't want to be a hypocrite and teach my kids to appreciate and embrace diversity when I cling so tightly to like mindedness.







"It were not best that we should all think alike;



it is difference of opinion that makes horse races" Mark Twain







"Diversity is not about how we differ.



Diversity is about embracing one another's uniqueness" -Ola Joseph







"Everybody's happy, Everybody's free



We'll keep the big door open, everyone will come around



Why are you different?Why are you that way?



If you don't get in line, we'll lock you away..." -Typical Situation DMB

Poo and Goo...

Isn't it a sure sign of a rotten day when at noon you step in dog poo..then at 4:00 you step in hot chewing gum?I would say so--this was my day Friday. Crappy. I am trying so hard not to be inside with the Littles everyday, though the heat wave we are having doesn't exactly make the outdoors enticing. Yesterday, my sweet guy came home from work and said "go...you need to get out of here". Ahh-yes! So I did my favorite(s), thrifting and Starbucks. By myself. I have been having a hard time lately, my gypsy soul and I fight alot. I feel so stuck in a rut--always striving to simplify our life, yet yearning for the pace to slooowwww down. And really wanting to hit the road(Jack). Not running away from anything... but running to something. I wish we had the means to be more self sufficient. I wish I had the patience(and desire) to school the Littles at home.I wish I had learned to sew. I wish Dan didn't have to work so much. I wish I had a latte' right now---er,wait a minute! What was that?! But, in striving to simplify and pare down, you can almost become lost in the process in doing that, as easily as getting lost in the fast paced life. Frugality can absorb you as easily as consumption. I have to keep this in check all.the.time. My nomadic self doesn't help these endeavors..because it's so easy to always feel discontent. That is NOT what I want. I'm gonna leave this post with a piece that I LOVE--I have it taped to the cabinet in my kitchen, and I read it everyday. It helps me bring it(this journey)back into focus.

To Live Simply-William Henry Channing

To live content with small means,to seek elegance rather than luxury,

and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy,

not respectable, and wealthy..not rich.

To study hard,think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;to listen

to birds, to babes and sages, with open heart;

to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never.

To let the spiritual,unbidden and unconscious, grow up

through the common.

This is to be my symphony.

mellow yellow

First things first- I don't really consider myself all that nice.Nice enough, but not the go-out-of-your-way-with-a-grand-smile kind of nice.Anyway...if you don't know me,I am pretty forthright.Maybe blunt. I want this space to be very much a true reflection of myself.No airs.I'm almost 40,(while we're just puttin it all out there!) and I spent too much of my life in phony bologna land. But that's too heavy for first post Blog-ness---we'll go to phony land another time. I'm sure you're excited about that. So,basically I just wanted this to be a way of setting the stage for the vision I have. I've been putting off blogging for a long time, but I'm tired of writing all these thoughts down on scrap paper, receipts while I'm driving,or just forgetting them altogether. Especially when you consider that i forget 97% of what enters my brain on a day to day basis. I'm not sure why I'm so forgetful, and even if I did know-I would've forgotten by now! I hope that you will check back in--I'm still trying to get this setup figured out, so there may not be alot of bells and whistles just yet. Peace.