Surf's Up

Frustrated. I'm frustrated because so many words and phrases and thoughts and questions are shooting through my mind everyday, and I don't stop to write them down. Frustrated because I don't want my Littles to start school, yet they are driving me crazy here. Frustrated because littlest Little is acting out in so many bizarre ways, and I don't know where we are to turn for answers(concerning him). We watched the Seinfeld episode last night where Elaine had a new trio of friends, the exact opposites of Jerry, Kramer and George. I thought of that today while I was watching S. raging about something as important as his stuffed dragon that he couldn't get to stay standing upright. The next minute may be him laughing hysterically,almost in nonsense. Bizarre-O World...yep, that's us. I'm frustrated because I miss my dad in such a tangible, painful, physical way--and I feel like I have nowhere to channel that pain. You can only be sad for so long. Sad is short-like it's word.Grief doesn't even last for long..which is good because it can be crippling. But the memories of someone gone--they keep coming, wave after wave after wave.Those glimpses with roots embedded so deep in your soul, that when one of the waves hits you..it's like a shock to your system. I can smell him everyday. I can feel his stubble on my face as if I was a little girl..as well as the day he left and I laid my face on his. I'm frustrated because as angry as I get at the pain, I don't want it to go away because I'm afraid the waves of memory will go with it. I'm frustrated because I feel alone in this place, even though people on all sides of me have experienced it as well.I'm frustrated because I find days when all I think of is searching every corner of the Earth for all that has been put there for us to find...yet knowing I will not be able to make that a reality.I'm frustrated because while I'm typing about grief and pain and instability and longing-I'm accutely aware of the fruit flies swarming around the dirty dinner dishes still on the table beside me. Bizarre-O World, I told ya.