Soup Cursings

I've had emotions flaming through me as of late. Crazy,erratic emotions...not really pretty ones either.That's why this post is as raw as you can get--and probably full of grammatical errors-and void of pretty photos.That's where I am these days...void of pretty photos. But it's ok, because sometimes a season of Raw Realness infused with erratic emotional behavior is refreshing(though I'm sure my family would beg to differ) I feel my body is yelling for me to notice that's it's getting old and tired and needs some good blood pumping exercise to burst those amazing endorphines into my brain. I crave sleep.Love sleep. And never have really been a "sleeper". So,it's time to take notice..I've been downing Emergen-C like it's a great cocktail and making sure to take my vitamins and the many supplements that are falling out of the cabinet when I open it. I went and walked this morning, 2 miles, after the fellas left for school.And I thought I was gonna croak. I've really let it go  this summer...shamefully.But that crisp morning air burning my throat and lungs and making my head hurt a bit was a great way to start the day...um,yeah?I've been really ouchy with the Littles lately-and I don't like it.Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed with the needs of people so vulnerable...that sounds dumb after I've been a mama for 20 yrs,huh? Time has nuthin to do with it,folks...it's as staggering a responsibility now as ever.So,this evening I was really really wanting to make myself some great soup.I love soup and could eat it everyday-especially in the cold months. Anyhoo..I was online and could not find anything I was looking for.Imagine that--this vast expanse of information before us and I couldn't find one freaking soup recipe that sounded good to me.So I was mad. Like,really mad. And pelting the keyboard with each search with my mad fingers.and cursing. Now,I'm grinning thinking about it. Not laughing at myself...maybe tomorrow..but I do have a slight grin on my face.But with each 'black bean soup' and 'minestrone' and 'corn chowder' and 'crab bisque' that appeared on my screen..I was getting fired up...and muttering dammit and stupid effing recipe to myself. How ludicrous! You see, now I know it's because I didn't have the slightest clue what I even wanted, so the World's Most Prized Soup could've morphed out of thin air and landed on my computer desk,steaming hot and in beautiful stoneware...and I still would've been saying 'damn soup'. So Dan got home from work and I went to bed(at 6pm)..and it was wonderful. For 4 hours I slept, and was vaguely aware of the routine evening drama going on outside our bedroom door.He fed the boys, unloaded the dishwasher,reloaded the dishwasher,cleaned up the kitchen, got them ready for bed, put them to bed...while I was snoozing away. So, you see--it wasn't really SOUP I wanted, that was making me so peeved--it was SLEEP that I needed...no Cursing involved. Well...except for when I did finally get up, and tripped over the oscilating fan in our bedroom in the dark:)

No More Mr. Nice Guy..?

I've been searching faces. Pondering humanity-sounds deep...don't be fooled. I'm trying to not be so deep in scrutinizing everything. Yet, I find myself searching those faces everyday, and I think I'm searching for a lost art.... NICENESS. Where is it? Are you out there? Where have all the cowboys gone? Well,that was actually irrelevant, but I do like cowboys and they've always seemed nice.It's a simple concept. Someone smiles at you and you smile back. You let someone go ahead of you in line. You take the time to say hello in passing. Are we seriously so freaking busy in this society that we walk around like stone faced losers? I've witnessed a thread, a thin thread, of nice folks recently. I'm taking it as an encouragement instead of focusing on the thinness of that dang thread. That sweet old couple(fer real, we're talking mid 70's, easily) at the lake sharing their sandwiches and taking pictures of each other. Waving goodbye as we packed up to head home. Another great gal sharing her sunblock at the lake. Maybe it's only at the lake you find nice people,eh? Must be all the pee in the water that we're swimming in...I guess it alters personalities:) OR, maybe it's because in a setting where we're RELAXED and ENJOYING ourselves, it's just second nature to be nice. Kinda seems like we need to do that more often, just take a chill pill and then niceness will overtake the world! I'm tired of meanies.I'm determining every morning when I wake up to be nice.It seems much more practical than my other determinations- patient...productive....motivated. Those are all good too, but I just have to believe that if the smallest step for humanity meant kindness towards each other, so many other incredible qualities for everyday life would fall in place. You think..?

Easy does it..

I've been on slow-mode. Un-plugged. Taking slow rides(through the country). Eating slow food(Thank You, garden--your tomatoes make this veggie grin everyday) The Littles are in school, and for the first time,in a LONG time, I have a few hours everyday. Everyday, I'm saying it again. So I get my chores done in the morning, and then I. do. nothing. Reading, thrifting, eating, napping, enjoying the sun, spending fun time with my favorite guy. Love it.

Surf's Up

Frustrated. I'm frustrated because so many words and phrases and thoughts and questions are shooting through my mind everyday, and I don't stop to write them down. Frustrated because I don't want my Littles to start school, yet they are driving me crazy here. Frustrated because littlest Little is acting out in so many bizarre ways, and I don't know where we are to turn for answers(concerning him). We watched the Seinfeld episode last night where Elaine had a new trio of friends, the exact opposites of Jerry, Kramer and George. I thought of that today while I was watching S. raging about something as important as his stuffed dragon that he couldn't get to stay standing upright. The next minute may be him laughing hysterically,almost in nonsense. Bizarre-O World...yep, that's us. I'm frustrated because I miss my dad in such a tangible, painful, physical way--and I feel like I have nowhere to channel that pain. You can only be sad for so long. Sad is short-like it's word.Grief doesn't even last for long..which is good because it can be crippling. But the memories of someone gone--they keep coming, wave after wave after wave.Those glimpses with roots embedded so deep in your soul, that when one of the waves hits you..it's like a shock to your system. I can smell him everyday. I can feel his stubble on my face as if I was a little girl..as well as the day he left and I laid my face on his. I'm frustrated because as angry as I get at the pain, I don't want it to go away because I'm afraid the waves of memory will go with it. I'm frustrated because I feel alone in this place, even though people on all sides of me have experienced it as well.I'm frustrated because I find days when all I think of is searching every corner of the Earth for all that has been put there for us to find...yet knowing I will not be able to make that a reality.I'm frustrated because while I'm typing about grief and pain and instability and longing-I'm accutely aware of the fruit flies swarming around the dirty dinner dishes still on the table beside me. Bizarre-O World, I told ya.

That Dreaded Place

Here's what's been going on in my world...

'V' for vegetarian :)

They want to be married;)

Knotty Power

Ratty Mess !

She Drives Me Crazy...Like No One Else....

Today-was a seesaw. I have laughed, I have cried. I felt excited, I felt anguished. My girl and I had Power Struggle #1543. How can I love her so fiercely and wanna knock her head off at the same time? She has always been crazy independant since day One.She's chomping at the bit to be on her own(one more year)and I'm thinking, 'it's no picnic once you get there'...ya know?! It's funny to me, those things about her that drive me crazy,are the traits that are most like me! I guess it's so true we don't really see ourselves. I'm glad my guy is able to point these things out to me and make it so clear. She and I can be at each other's throats and it's one big emotional upheaval, but then he explains to me why I feel so frustrated...and why she is frustrated...simply because we are so freaking much alike. Like rubbing sticks together!

If you could see what I see..

post storm

                               

constant movement..

                                 

welcome home (view from back door)

Best buy of the day from the thrift outing-no joke. What do you call it-housedress?Duster?! Love it...

And the ink goes on......

Um....see?!

notre chambre `a coucher

grow,grow,grow..I wish you could smell this.Incredible!